EXPLANATIONS FOR THE QUADRATICALLY INCOMPETENT



ALRIGHT HUMAN SCUM.

THIS IS A BLOG WHERE I’LL BE ANALYZING THE RELATIONSHIPS PRESENTED IN HUMAN MOVIES.

DON’T FOLLOW IF YOU HATE INTELLIGENT CRITICISM.

- KARKAT VANTAS

PS: IF YOU THINK IT’S CLEVER TO SEND ME MESSAGES REFERRING TO MY CRITIQUE AS “SHIPPING,” YOU ARE DEAD FUCKING WRONG AND I WILL BLOCK THE SPONGELICKING SHIT OUT OF YOU.
Jan 18 '12

FIGHT CLUB IS AN UNEQUIVOCALLY BRILLIANT HUMAN FILM ABOUT REVOLUTION. I AM SO GLAD IT’S NOT AN UNMITIGATED PILE OF PRETENTIOUS BULLSHIT. THAT SURE WOULD HAVE SUCKED.

ANYWAY.

HOLY SHIT, OKAY, THE NARRATOR’S KISMESIS WITH TYLER DURDEN IS ABSOLUTELY SUBTEXTUALLY PRESENT. TYLER IS DISGUSTED BY HOW WEAK THE NARRATOR IS, SO MUCH SO THAT HE SEPARATES HIMSELF FROM SHARING THE SAME CONSCIOUSNESS AS HIM IN ORDER TO CHALLENGE AND ANTAGONIZE HIM. HOLY FUCK? HOLY FUCK. IF THAT’S NOT A SELF-KISMESIS I DON’T KNOW THE MEANING OF THAT PHRASE. AND I DO. NOT ONLY BECAUSE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HAD FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE WITH IT.

I THINK IT’S ESPECIALLY ROMANTIC BECAUSE OF HOW DIFFICULT IT BECOMES FOR THEM TO KILL EACH OTHER, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY EACH LOATHE THE OTHER ENOUGH TO DO HIM IN A THOUSAND TIMES OVER. JACK ENDS UP FINDING A WAY AROUND THAT, THOUGH, (UN-FUCKING-FORTUNATELY,) BY RISKING A SHOT TO THE HEAD. HIS OWN HEAD! HE HATED THAT PART OF HIMSELF AND WANTED IT GONE SO FUCKING BADLY THAT HE RISKED HIS OWN LIFE. GOD.

OH YEAH, AND THESE TWO HAVE RED PITY WRITTEN ALL OVER THEIR RELATIONSHIP. IT DOESN’T START OUT THAT WAY, THOUGH. THE NARRATOR FEELS SOMEWHAT BLACK FOR MARLA BEFORE HE REALIZES THAT TYLER IS THE TRUE OBJECT OF HIS HATRED. SHE HAS MIXED BLACK/RED FEELINGS TOWARDS HIM IN THE END AS WELL, WHEN SHE FEELS AS THOUGH HE’S TOYING WITH HER EMOTIONS. IN THE END, THOUGH, THEY EACH DECIDE THE OTHER IS PITIFUL, AND CONSUMMATE THE RELATIONSHIP BY HOLDING HANDS AND WATCHING A BUILDING EXPLODE IN THE WAKE OF JACK AND TYLER’S KISMESIS. GOD, HOW ROMANTIC.

76 notes Tags: FIGHT CLUB

Jan 16 '12
OK ANONYMOUS, I SEE YOUR POINT TO AN EXTENT. BUT HERE’S THE THING: YOU ARE COMPLETELY HORRIBLY UNBELIEVABLY WRONG. HERMIONE HATED DRACO, SURE, BUT THERE COMES A POINT WHEN ONE IS JUST TOO DISGUSTED WITH AN INDIVIDUAL TO MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM, AND I THINK HERMIONE’S HATE FOR HIM CROSSED THAT FIGURATIVE LINE WAY BACK IN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS. DRACO’S HATRED FOR RON AND HERMIONE IS A BYPRODUCT OF HIS HATRED FOR HARRY AND HIS OWN INTERNALIZED CLASSISM TOWARDS MUGGLEBORNS AND WIZARDS WHO ASSOCIATE WITH THEM. SEE? IT WOULD NEVER WORK BETWEEN THEM.

OK ANONYMOUS, I SEE YOUR POINT TO AN EXTENT. BUT HERE’S THE THING:

YOU ARE COMPLETELY HORRIBLY UNBELIEVABLY WRONG.

HERMIONE HATED DRACO, SURE, BUT THERE COMES A POINT WHEN ONE IS JUST TOO DISGUSTED WITH AN INDIVIDUAL TO MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM, AND I THINK HERMIONE’S HATE FOR HIM CROSSED THAT FIGURATIVE LINE WAY BACK IN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.

DRACO’S HATRED FOR RON AND HERMIONE IS A BYPRODUCT OF HIS HATRED FOR HARRY AND HIS OWN INTERNALIZED CLASSISM TOWARDS MUGGLEBORNS AND WIZARDS WHO ASSOCIATE WITH THEM.

SEE? IT WOULD NEVER WORK BETWEEN THEM.

31 notes Tags: HARRY POTTER

Jan 15 '12
OKAY, I THINK THIS IS A GOOD PLACE TO START, CONSIDERING THIS IS THE ONLY HUMAN MOVIE I HAVE EVER BEEN COMPLETELY SATISFIED WITH. BEAUTIFUL STORY, THE SOUNDTRACK WAS GREAT, THE CASTING WAS GREAT. I DIDN’T CATCH SOME OF THE HUMOR, BUT JOHN LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF, AND I MEAN, IF HE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY IT MUST’VE BEEN AT LEAST SOMEWHAT ENTERTAINING. HE LAUGHS AT LIKE EVERYTHING, BUT WHATEVER. LET’S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. FIONA AND SHREK’S MATESPRITSHIP IS OBVIOUSLY THE FOCAL POINT OF THE MOVIE, AND IT’S BREATHTAKING. I MEAN. SHREK JUST FEELS SO GROSS COMPARED TO HER, HE CANT UNDERSTAND HOW SHE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CARE FOR SOMEONE AS UGLY AS HIM, BUT SHE DOES. BUT HE DOESN’T FUCKING KNOW IT UNTIL THE END, AND…I JUST RELATE TO SHREK ON A VERY DEEP AND PERSONAL LEVEL. NEXT THERE’S THE BLATANTLY CANON MOIRALLEGIANCE BETWEEN SHREK AND DONKEY. SHREK PITIES THE POOR ANNOYING JABBERING HOOFBEAST, ALTHOUGH BEGRUDGINGLY SO. DONKEY PITIES SHREK FOR HIS LACK OF COMPANIONSHIP, SO HE STICKS BY HIM. THAT LOYAL-ASS FUCKING…ASS. SHREK PROVIDES PROTECTION FOR DONKEY, AND DONKEY DOES WHAT HE CAN TO PACIFY HIM. HE’S HONESTLY PRETTY SHITTY AT THAT, BUT THEY MAKE IT WORK. THEY DO. SOME WOULD ARGUE THAT LATER IN THE SERIES, PUSS AND DONKEY BECOME MOIRAILS, BUT I COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DISAGREE. ANYONE WHO THINKS THIS IS WRONG. THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PUSS AND DONKEY CAN’T BE PLACED IN A QUADRANT. IT’S PLATONIC. END OF STORY. EVEN MORE SHOCKING IS THE WORK I’VE DISCOVERED ON A WEBSITE CALLED FANFICTION.NET WHERE THEY ARE PORTRAYED IN A FLUSHED RELATIONSHIP. I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPRESS HOW MUCH THIS INFURIATES ME. WHY, YOU ASK? DRAGON! YOU’RE FUCKING FORGETTING THE BEAUTIFUL UNLIKELY FLUSHCRUSH THEY SHARE IN THE FIRST MOVIE, HOW SHE COMES TO HIS RESCUE, HOW HE BECOMES THE “BABY DADDY,” AS HUMANS SAY, TO ALL HER LITTLE MUTANT FIRE BREATHING DONKEY DRAGON BABIES. SHREK IS A PERFECT FILM AS IS. DON’T RUIN IT.

OKAY, I THINK THIS IS A GOOD PLACE TO START, CONSIDERING THIS IS THE ONLY HUMAN MOVIE I HAVE EVER BEEN COMPLETELY SATISFIED WITH. BEAUTIFUL STORY, THE SOUNDTRACK WAS GREAT, THE CASTING WAS GREAT. I DIDN’T CATCH SOME OF THE HUMOR, BUT JOHN LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF, AND I MEAN, IF HE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY IT MUST’VE BEEN AT LEAST SOMEWHAT ENTERTAINING. HE LAUGHS AT LIKE EVERYTHING, BUT WHATEVER.

LET’S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.


FIONA AND SHREK’S MATESPRITSHIP IS OBVIOUSLY THE FOCAL POINT OF THE MOVIE, AND IT’S BREATHTAKING. I MEAN. SHREK JUST FEELS SO GROSS COMPARED TO HER, HE CANT UNDERSTAND HOW SHE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CARE FOR SOMEONE AS UGLY AS HIM, BUT SHE DOES. BUT HE DOESN’T FUCKING KNOW IT UNTIL THE END, AND…I JUST RELATE TO SHREK ON A VERY DEEP AND PERSONAL LEVEL.

NEXT THERE’S THE BLATANTLY CANON MOIRALLEGIANCE BETWEEN SHREK AND DONKEY. SHREK PITIES THE POOR ANNOYING JABBERING HOOFBEAST, ALTHOUGH BEGRUDGINGLY SO. DONKEY PITIES SHREK FOR HIS LACK OF COMPANIONSHIP, SO HE STICKS BY HIM. THAT LOYAL-ASS FUCKING…ASS. SHREK PROVIDES PROTECTION FOR DONKEY, AND DONKEY DOES WHAT HE CAN TO PACIFY HIM. HE’S HONESTLY PRETTY SHITTY AT THAT, BUT THEY MAKE IT WORK. THEY DO. SOME WOULD ARGUE THAT LATER IN THE SERIES, PUSS AND DONKEY BECOME MOIRAILS, BUT I COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DISAGREE. ANYONE WHO THINKS THIS IS WRONG. THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PUSS AND DONKEY CAN’T BE PLACED IN A QUADRANT. IT’S PLATONIC. END OF STORY. EVEN MORE SHOCKING IS THE WORK I’VE DISCOVERED ON A WEBSITE CALLED FANFICTION.NET WHERE THEY ARE PORTRAYED IN A FLUSHED RELATIONSHIP. I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPRESS HOW MUCH THIS INFURIATES ME. WHY, YOU ASK?

DRAGON! YOU’RE FUCKING FORGETTING THE BEAUTIFUL UNLIKELY FLUSHCRUSH THEY SHARE IN THE FIRST MOVIE, HOW SHE COMES TO HIS RESCUE, HOW HE BECOMES THE “BABY DADDY,” AS HUMANS SAY, TO ALL HER LITTLE MUTANT FIRE BREATHING DONKEY DRAGON BABIES.

SHREK IS A PERFECT FILM AS IS.

DON’T RUIN IT.

322 notes Tags: SHREK